Hi! Sorry if it took me quite a long time then again to post. Too many months have past and yes, I've been pretty busy.
The post title speaks about my heart. It's still related to the past few posts about this guy I like. Today, I woke up crying from a sad thought. That at this point, I still don't stand against the girl he loves. He's really nice to me but I guess our perspective on each other just ain't meeting midway. In the end, I wrote a note about my feelings on my phone and saved it in case I'm going to have the guts to tell him someday. It says about how it breaks my heart to bake their celebration cakes and how i like to just poof! when his girlfie is around. haha I hate how my heart is so stubborn. argh.
Well anyway.. I kinda got over it this morning. I'm looking forward to a good holiday season.. :) Hope you are too.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Disturbed
Gaaaah.. so many thoughts are bugging my head tonight. I am desperate to talk to someone but I couldn't find any. I messaged my closest friends but no one seems available. It feels like I'm about to break.
I don't even know where to start and I'm feeling sick physically as I feel that I'm about to have a cough and emotionally because I'm ambivalent about a number of things. Boohoo.. so one of those days when you're depressed all of a sudden.
So I guess I'll have to start with what's upsetting me. I'm upset because I feel that I am torn between friends. You know the feeling that you know your friend is at the wrong side yet she is closer so you should stick with her instead of the one who is in the right side. But the one in the right side is also a friend who has never made me upset with anything. And the one on the other side is one of my very best friends.
Tonight you see, I was with the not-so-close friend and my best friend was telling me not to sit beside her or even mingle with her. That's a hard thing to do since we have been friends while best friend was far away. She [best friend] doesn't want to see me in her[not-so-close friend]'s photos but I can't just shy away all the time. It would seem rude. And so I told best friend in advance so that she won't be upset or won't be blown away when she sees the photos uploaded online. Now best friend is so upset and won't even answer my calls nor reply to my text messages. It makes me feel upset as well. Why can't best friend understand that I can also feel torn and that I also have feelings? That I really don't have to choose between them because I want them both to be my friend? That I don't want to take sides and all? I am deeply hurt by how she treated my tonight. I know that's her way of doing things and that I should understand but it still hurts you know. She's not the only one hurting. She's not the only one who has feelings.
Another thing that has been bothering me is my feelings for this guy that I have been crushing on for months now. I've mentioned him before in this blog and so if you know him, just please keep mum. I cannot be all that loud about my feelings for him because he's in a relationship with a very nice woman. When I met her last Valentine's day, my heart actually tore because I cannot believe I am going against her for being in love with the man she is with. She's one of those women you meet and then you say afterwards, 'aww she's so nice'.
But I can't help myself. My feelings are actually starting to surface and sometimes I cannot really hide it and my friends can just read it by the look of my face. Ew.. I feel so high school-ey. hahaha I also don't want to ruin our friendship so I just try to enjoy his company and the fun times when we are together. After all, those are the only times I can spend with him. I try not to text him anymore and try not to interpret his movements around me as something else because to him it might not really be anything at all. He is just being nice because we are friends and just returning the favor because I make life easier for him. Sometimes, I wish he was single. And one time, me and my friends actually had a crazy thought about me stealing a kiss from him. Then I thought why not make it my 25th Birthday wish? haha June is still far ahead.. a little more than three months from now so we'll see huh.. haha It's just a wish after all. If it comes true, then lucky me. But if it doesn't, which is more likely, then my First Kiss will have to wait for someone else. Or maybe still him, but later that June. Hahaha
Now here's my message to him:
After reading this, message me. And let's make a plan of action. Haha Just kidding.
I have a feeling that he knows already or maybe he can feel it.. but it's okay. I really have no plans of seducing him to be with me instead. After all, I don't think he would want me really. I just want that special first kiss. For now. ;)
I don't even know where to start and I'm feeling sick physically as I feel that I'm about to have a cough and emotionally because I'm ambivalent about a number of things. Boohoo.. so one of those days when you're depressed all of a sudden.
So I guess I'll have to start with what's upsetting me. I'm upset because I feel that I am torn between friends. You know the feeling that you know your friend is at the wrong side yet she is closer so you should stick with her instead of the one who is in the right side. But the one in the right side is also a friend who has never made me upset with anything. And the one on the other side is one of my very best friends.
Tonight you see, I was with the not-so-close friend and my best friend was telling me not to sit beside her or even mingle with her. That's a hard thing to do since we have been friends while best friend was far away. She [best friend] doesn't want to see me in her[not-so-close friend]'s photos but I can't just shy away all the time. It would seem rude. And so I told best friend in advance so that she won't be upset or won't be blown away when she sees the photos uploaded online. Now best friend is so upset and won't even answer my calls nor reply to my text messages. It makes me feel upset as well. Why can't best friend understand that I can also feel torn and that I also have feelings? That I really don't have to choose between them because I want them both to be my friend? That I don't want to take sides and all? I am deeply hurt by how she treated my tonight. I know that's her way of doing things and that I should understand but it still hurts you know. She's not the only one hurting. She's not the only one who has feelings.
Another thing that has been bothering me is my feelings for this guy that I have been crushing on for months now. I've mentioned him before in this blog and so if you know him, just please keep mum. I cannot be all that loud about my feelings for him because he's in a relationship with a very nice woman. When I met her last Valentine's day, my heart actually tore because I cannot believe I am going against her for being in love with the man she is with. She's one of those women you meet and then you say afterwards, 'aww she's so nice'.
But I can't help myself. My feelings are actually starting to surface and sometimes I cannot really hide it and my friends can just read it by the look of my face. Ew.. I feel so high school-ey. hahaha I also don't want to ruin our friendship so I just try to enjoy his company and the fun times when we are together. After all, those are the only times I can spend with him. I try not to text him anymore and try not to interpret his movements around me as something else because to him it might not really be anything at all. He is just being nice because we are friends and just returning the favor because I make life easier for him. Sometimes, I wish he was single. And one time, me and my friends actually had a crazy thought about me stealing a kiss from him. Then I thought why not make it my 25th Birthday wish? haha June is still far ahead.. a little more than three months from now so we'll see huh.. haha It's just a wish after all. If it comes true, then lucky me. But if it doesn't, which is more likely, then my First Kiss will have to wait for someone else. Or maybe still him, but later that June. Hahaha
Now here's my message to him:
After reading this, message me. And let's make a plan of action. Haha Just kidding.
I have a feeling that he knows already or maybe he can feel it.. but it's okay. I really have no plans of seducing him to be with me instead. After all, I don't think he would want me really. I just want that special first kiss. For now. ;)
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Hmmm...
Hello! :)
Happy New Year!
Haha
I'm sorry for the late updates. It's been 5 months but it was a pretty short 5 months for me as I was utterly busy with stuff. Work. Cakes. Cupcakes. Cookies. Mmmmm... Feasts. Haha Btw, I gained considerable kilograms in the past few months as well. Oh my. If there's bad news, I also have good news. First off, I have already been included in the roster of staff nurses in the hospital so I'm officially paid now. It ain't very big but it means a lot. I mean now that I'm not volunteering anymore. And today might be my first pay day!!! :)) weeeeee. However, I don't think there will be blowouts or anything of that sort since I have a number of bills to pay. So we'll see about that.
Meanwhile, I am also still loveless at the moment so anyone interested, hit me up and we'll see where this will take us. Bahahaha just kidding. I'm more of a friendship first person so I'd like to be good friends first before moving on to the next level. So befriend me, will you?
Haha see you around.
Happy New Year!
Haha
I'm sorry for the late updates. It's been 5 months but it was a pretty short 5 months for me as I was utterly busy with stuff. Work. Cakes. Cupcakes. Cookies. Mmmmm... Feasts. Haha Btw, I gained considerable kilograms in the past few months as well. Oh my. If there's bad news, I also have good news. First off, I have already been included in the roster of staff nurses in the hospital so I'm officially paid now. It ain't very big but it means a lot. I mean now that I'm not volunteering anymore. And today might be my first pay day!!! :)) weeeeee. However, I don't think there will be blowouts or anything of that sort since I have a number of bills to pay. So we'll see about that.
Meanwhile, I am also still loveless at the moment so anyone interested, hit me up and we'll see where this will take us. Bahahaha just kidding. I'm more of a friendship first person so I'd like to be good friends first before moving on to the next level. So befriend me, will you?
Haha see you around.
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