Stubborn

Hi! Sorry if it took me quite a long time then again to post. Too many months have past and yes, I've been pretty busy.

The post title speaks about my heart. It's still related to the past few posts about this guy I like. Today, I woke up crying from a sad thought. That at this point, I still don't stand against the girl he loves. He's really nice to me but I guess our perspective on each other just ain't meeting midway. In the end, I wrote a note about my feelings on my phone and saved it in case I'm going to have the guts to tell him someday. It says about how it breaks my heart to bake their celebration cakes and how i like to just poof! when his girlfie is around. haha I hate how my heart is so stubborn. argh.

Well anyway.. I kinda got over it this morning. I'm looking forward to a good holiday season.. :) Hope you are too.

Disturbed

Gaaaah.. so many thoughts are bugging my head tonight. I am desperate to talk to someone but I couldn't find any. I messaged my closest friends but no one seems available. It feels like I'm about to break.

I don't even know where to start and I'm feeling sick physically as I feel that I'm about to have a cough and emotionally because I'm ambivalent about a number of things. Boohoo.. so one of those days when you're depressed all of a sudden.

So I guess I'll have to start with what's upsetting me. I'm upset because I feel that I am torn between friends. You know the feeling that you know your friend is at the wrong side yet she is closer so you should stick with her instead of the one who is in the right side. But the one in the right side is also a friend who has never made me upset with anything. And the one on the other side is one of my very best friends.

Tonight you see, I was with the not-so-close friend and my best friend was telling me not to sit beside her or even mingle with her. That's a hard thing to do since we have been friends while best friend was far away. She [best friend] doesn't want to see me in her[not-so-close friend]'s photos but I can't just shy away all the time. It would seem rude. And so I told best friend in advance so that she won't be upset or won't be blown away when she sees the photos uploaded online. Now best friend is so upset and won't even answer my calls nor reply to my text messages. It makes me feel upset as well. Why can't best friend understand that I can also feel torn and that I also have feelings? That I really don't have to choose between them because I want them both to be my friend? That I don't want to take sides and all? I am deeply hurt by how she treated my tonight. I know that's her way of doing things and that I should understand but it still hurts you know. She's not the only one hurting. She's not the only one who has feelings.

Another thing that has been bothering me is my feelings for this guy that I have been crushing on for months now. I've mentioned him before in this blog and so if you know him, just please keep mum. I cannot be all that loud about my feelings for him because he's in a relationship with a very nice woman. When I met her last Valentine's day, my heart actually tore because I cannot believe I am going against her for being in love with the man she is with. She's one of those women you meet and then you say afterwards, 'aww she's so nice'.

But I can't help myself. My feelings are actually starting to surface and sometimes I cannot really hide it and my friends can just read it by the look of my face. Ew.. I feel so high school-ey. hahaha I also don't want to ruin our friendship so I just try to enjoy his company and the fun times when we are together. After all, those are the only times I can spend with him. I try not to text him anymore and try not to interpret his movements around me as something else because to him it might not really be anything at all. He is just being nice because we are friends and just returning the favor because I make life easier for him. Sometimes, I wish he was single. And one time, me and my friends actually had a crazy thought about me stealing a kiss from him. Then I thought why not make it my 25th Birthday wish? haha June is still far ahead.. a little more than three months from now so we'll see huh.. haha It's just a wish after all. If it comes true, then lucky me. But if it doesn't, which is more likely, then my First Kiss will have to wait for someone else. Or maybe still him, but later that June. Hahaha

Now here's my message to him:

After reading this, message me. And let's make a plan of action. Haha Just kidding.

I have a feeling that he knows already or maybe he can feel it.. but it's okay. I really have no plans of seducing him to be with me instead. After all, I don't think he would want me really. I just want that special first kiss. For now. ;)

Hmmm...

Hello! :)
Happy New Year!
Haha
I'm sorry for the late updates. It's been 5 months but it was a pretty short 5 months for me as I was utterly busy with stuff. Work. Cakes. Cupcakes. Cookies. Mmmmm... Feasts. Haha Btw, I gained considerable kilograms in the past few months as well. Oh my. If there's bad news, I also have good news. First off, I have already been included in the roster of staff nurses in the hospital so I'm officially paid now. It ain't very big but it means a lot. I mean now that I'm not volunteering anymore. And today might be my first pay day!!! :)) weeeeee. However, I don't think there will be blowouts or anything of that sort since I have a number of bills to pay. So we'll see about that.

Meanwhile, I am also still loveless at the moment so anyone interested, hit me up and we'll see where this will take us. Bahahaha just kidding. I'm more of a friendship first person so I'd like to be good friends first before moving on to the next level. So befriend me, will you?

Haha see you around.

Fascinating

It's a fine sunny morning here at our place and I'm like up early. I'm soooo making up later on. I have work to think about this afternoon but it's okay. I guess.

It's been a while since I posted. Not that I'm uninspired or anything. I am inspired actually but I have been really busy with work, hospital week and baking. It was a tumultuous ride to the finish. Right now, I'm back to slow paced life, only going out to work or church. Still it's fun. hihi

Well, with regards to my blog title. It ain't no biggie. It's just that I have watched the movie 'Something Borrowed'  last night and I was in tears yet again. haha I sooooo love watching love stories I can't wait to write my own. And so it fascinates me how two people can fall in love. I mean I fall in love but it has always been one sided for me. It's always been my story.

So I was reflecting on the movie. I sobbed at the part where Ethan [who was always there for Rachel] told her that he has always loved her after Rachel


--->> moving forward. It's Saturday already and it's kinda rainy here at our place. I wasn't able to finish this entry yesterday because I was kinda moving to and fro the pc and went to work in the afternoon til evening.

So back to my reflection. Ethan was the guy who was always always there for Rachel and watched her lose the fight for the love of her life to her best friend, Darcy. I remember Rachel saying, "I want to be somebody's first choice." And then when Ethan was spilling out his feelings ever so sincerely, I was literally sobbing. I feel him because as I've said, love has always been one sided for me. I wish it flowed both ways. Like now, I'm having feelings for someone but I have to try to 'kill' it because I know he's in love with someone else. Being with him is enough and being able to show some support, well, makes me happy. It's sad how I have become one of the girls who's always waiting but it's how I was raised to be and it's a choice that I continue to make.
When I feel for someone, I look up to him and place great respect. And maybe because of that, it becomes hard for me to imagine how a guy like him would fall for someone like me. It feels somehow close to impossible.

I'm sorry for being emo today. I just wanted to spill my heart out since yesterday. :/

Spoiled

So I'm back from night duty which was more fun than crappy. Night duties usually tend to be a bore and a struggle to complete because of the fact that I will be spending the night away from home. However, there are some days that I find it extremely fun. Exaggerated, eh? But yeah it was. It felt like we were doing a slumber party. All of us wearing pajamas [scrubs] and playing like there should be no time for sleep. Haha. 

So here's a 'boss'[staff as I am just a volunteer who looks up to them] of mine, who makes me feel spoiled a lot. I actually feel that my bosses do spoil me a lot, make me feel more like a princess instead of a subordinate. Some are just my age but most are younger than me. They are boys soooo that kinda means a lot. They are so nice to me that sometimes it makes me feel content and that I feel that I do not need a boyfriend anymore as I have boy-friends such as them who care a lot. 

Remember the fun run? :) The one who won in the male division is one of my 'bosses'. The prize money isn't a lot but that morning before signing off, we were talking about eating ice cream during our duty shift together. So last night errr this morning was that shift. He bought us [me and my colleagues] ice cream and it surely made my night. We played some card games after and then before nap time [yeah we have that during night duties. hihi] , we had an admission. Boo. But still, after that we took the time to nap. So we were solved. 

This boss who spoils me is just my age and we graduated on the same year in the same school only in different sections. I used to be one of his haters because he wasn't exactly the kindest person as per impressions when we were in college. I never thought we would be really good friends and that he would keep up with all my childishness. He's very typical yet atypical of a guy. I don't know if you get that but he's really different. He encourages me to exercise so as to get fit. He's a very good friend but can also be a very nasty enemy. 

I hope he doesn't read this because he'll surely think that I'm kinda 'OA' [over acting] He's not the kind who's very soft. He hates all the mushiness. But he does make me feel pampered and I appreciate that that's why I'm writing this entry to pay tribute. That's all. Ha. 

Run

So it's been days since we all got back from Cebu. My parents' check up turned out pretty okay. I had some fun but I soooo got sick there. I had colds and my nose ran all over the sheets on my bed in our hotel room. It lasted for some two or more days. Now, I am glad I'm okay. 

So about running, it's something that's got me a little hooked. It seems to me like a fun fun activity but it's also kinda hard to maintain the pace. Today I walked/jogged/ran to the hospital alone at dawn. It was something I did for the first time and I don't know if I could ever replicate it. I used my pedometer and I finished in less than 30 minutes. I felt kinda proud of myself as I was sweating out so early in the morning. Btw, I went there to host the fun run activity for the feast at the hospital. I wasn't able to join as I was the one waiting for them to get back. It was fun. We had a grilled pork breakfast after that with my Maternity friends at the hospital basement. 

So right now, I'm working on my big project for the weekend which might mean the lack of sleep again for me. I will be going to Cebu again on Saturday for a wedding. 80 cupcakes and a cake. Yay! But it's tiring to work alone. I wish I had little helpers like that of Santa. I'd like for someone to help me out. I think I will be training my sister or my cousin for that. hihihi :)) 

To Cebu

Yep. We're leaving for Cebu City tomorrow for my parents' quarterly check up with the endocrinologist. I'm kinda scared because I heard the waves have been really bad these past few days. I'm also scared because I'll be seeing the same doctor who is consistently pushing me to lose weight and I haven't made any huge progress since the last visit. I am excited though because I will be seeing one of my brothers, be eating out again. We will also be checking in to a new pension house. Wee! Also stoked to taste new flavors and looking forward to eating gelato again :))

See ya!